


Unpredictable

by JenSpinner



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Anal Sex, Angst, Arguing, Break Up, Car Sex, Cheating, Child Death, Death, Depression, Drinking, Drunk Dean Winchester, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Feelings, Fights, Heartache, Heartbreak, M/M, Minor Character Death, Motorcycles, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Outdoor Sex, This work is Grammarly checked, crash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-17
Updated: 2018-04-23
Packaged: 2019-04-24 05:28:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 18,502
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14348895
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JenSpinner/pseuds/JenSpinner
Summary: I'm sorry. x





	1. This Is The End

Castiel grunted as he pushed into Dean, all his fury and all his sadness driven into Dean through his cock, this was it... He was about to come, and then... It would be over. He chanced a glance at the tiny clock in the front of Dean's Impala, his timing was perfect, he heard a nearby rumble of a motorcycle and he came, thick and creamy inside Dean... 

Breathlessly, he pulled out. Straighten up and tucked himself back into his pants, Dean groaning beneath him.

"Hey? You gonna give me a hand here?" He said grinning at him in a way that made Castiel feel sick. 

Castiel ran a hand through his hair, before turning his ice-cold stare on Dean "Do you love me, Dean, really love me?" 

"Of course," Said Dean regarding him with confusion. At that moment, Castiel prayed it was true, he wanted this to hurt Dean, he wanted him to feel this loss as deeply as he did... 

Looking deeply into Dean's eyes he smiled, a hand came to rest gently on Dean's face and as he said "Liar!" 

Dean frowned, confused. 

"Oh, I'm sorry, were you under the impression that I didn't know you fucked that girl behind my back?" Said Castiel hoping the words cut Dean as deeply as they cut him. When Castiel had learned that Dean had cheated on him, his heart had broken, he didn't understand, how could Dean have done that to him? He knew Castiel had been cheated on before, he knew it would break him - and it did. His happy outlook on life was destroyed and his heart was cold, darkened, in a moment of mad brilliance, he'd come up with the ultimate revenge... And here he was a week later, having acted all week as though everything was fine, executing his plan with unwavering spite. Dean's special care and extra attention to him over the past seven days told him of his guilt, but it was too late for sorry. Castiel was burnt, badly and he intended to take Dean down with him.

"What...?" Dean stuttered, eyes panicked. 

"You know exactly what I'm talking about Dean, you look so dumb right now, it's actually a little pathetic... Anyway, this" He motioned between them "Is over... and oh yes... It looks like my date is here" He looked out of the car window to the man on the motorcycle who was waiting for him, Mick was in the year above Castiel and Dean in college... He was handsome, his family was rich and Castiel knew Mick fancied him. So he'd dug down deep and lowered himself to Dean's level.  

"Cas? What the fuck, we just had sex?"

Castiel smiled wickedly "A little something for you to remember me by... I bet you're sad... I know I was the best sex you ever had" 

"Please... I'm so sorry, it was a mistake, I love you. Cas, please don't do this" Pleaded Dean pulling his pants up over his now completely flaccid cock.

"I already have done this Dean, it's too late" He opened the car door and got out, brushed himself down before looking at Dean "You're only sorry you got caught, Dean. And you knew this was something I would never forgive, you knew I'd been cheated on before. I told you when we got together... No one fucks around on Castiel Novak anymore" 

Dean scrambled to get out of his car as Castiel walked around the back of it towards Mick, he smiled at him as Mick handed him a spare helmet "Perfect timing" He said to Mick before pulling the helmet over his head and climbing on to the back of the bike, Dean watching in disbelief as Castiel wrapped his arms around Mick's waist and leaned in to him. 

"Cas...?" Dean tried once more "Please..." 

Castiel looked up, his final words were going to fuck up Dean's whole life, but even if Castiel didn't say them, Dean would know soon enough, so why shouldn't Castiel be the one to deliver that life-changing blow. 

"By the way Dean... From what I hear, congratulations are in order..." Dean frowned at him again "You're going to be a father" 

Mick seemed to take that as his cue and the motorcycle roared back to life as the blood drained from Dean's face, Mick pulled out of the darkened parking lot and drove away, taking Dean's whole world away with him... 

Dean turned to his car, planning to drive after them, make Castiel forgive him - somehow... But then he noticed, the four tiny dust caps on the roof of his car... His eyes traveled down to his tires... flat, all of them. Castiel didn't want him to follow. He was stuck, alone... and apparently - going to be a father, from a stupid drunken mistake. 

He grabbed two fist fulls of his hair, pulling madly as tears tracked down his face... "Dean you fucking idiot" He spat out angrily at himself. 

 

 

 


	2. Closed Off

Three weeks of cards, letters, flowers, candy and even a photograph that been taken when Castiel and Dean had first got together, framed in an expensive glass frame and Castiel had had enough, he rolled his eyes as he stared at the photograph in his hands, then his eyes looked up dangerously through his lashes - focusing on Dean's house. The one good thing about the photo frame was how satisfying it was to smash it against the wall of Dean's house. The shards scattered into a million pieces and glistened on the floor in the sunlight. Castiel grinned back to the road where Mick was sat waiting on his Harley Davidson. He couldn't deny - he'd been pleasantly surprised by Mick, the sex was incredible and it really helped take his mind off Dean.

Unlike Dean, Castiel was totally honest with Mick, his new fuck buddy, it was a miracle that Castiel and Mick seemed to both be exactly what the other needed at the moment. Castiel needed a hot guy on his arm to show off in front of his and Dean's mutual friends - knowing it would get back to Dean. He was being cruel deliberately - and he didn't care at all. As far as he was concerned Dean should consider himself lucky that all Castiel did to his car was unscrew the dust caps. He needed a distraction from how much he missed Dean, he needed to fuck, and be fucked. He needed every memory of Dean Winchester to be fucked out of him. And Mick? Well, he'd just come out to his family, he needed a good looking, well educated and 'respectable' boyfriend, and Castiel played the part willingly. It wasn't that he didn't like Mick, he did but he wasn't going to open up his heart again, to anyone. They were both well aware that this was a tempory arrangement, for as long as it suited them both. Mick treated Castiel to expensive dates, high-class party's with his family and in return, Castiel charmed Mick's parents by day, showering compliments on them, their house, their son, buttering them up, then he rocked Mick's world between the sheets, by night.

Castiel walked down Dean's driveway, towards Mick. Climbed on the back of his bike and threw one arm around Mick's waist, gripping him tightly as he began to pull the bike away from Dean's, Castiel sticking his middle finger up at the house as they left. 

The bike crunched to a halt in front of Mick's house and Castiel climbed off, followed by Mick. Both pulling off their helmets at the same time. 

Mick smiled at Cas "I sure hope I never piss you off. Do you feel better now?" 

Castiel looked up at Mick, smiling "Much" 

"Good. Do you think he'll stop now?" 

"I hope not," Said Castiel seriously and when Mick frowned at him, he went on "The longer this goes on, the better. All these utterly useless and yet highly amusing attempts at an apology, it just means Dean's hurting. And that's what I want. I want him to hurt, I want to hurt him until he can't breathe from the pain. He broke me. I wasn't like this before, I would never have done any of these cruel things. But I'm not... " He paused "I'm different now, he did this to me" 

Mick nodded "You are different Cas, but I don't know that it's a bad thing, honestly it's kinda hot how badass you are" Mick grinned "Maybe we should get you your own bike?" 

Castiel narrowed his eyes, lips curling up "Maybe. Maybe you should let me suck your cock first?" Compliments and gifts were not why Castiel was here... He wanted to forget, he wanted sex, and he wanted it now. 

"I can get on board with that" Laughed Mick as they walked up to his house

 ***

The last three weeks had been completely different for Dean. He'd barely eaten, he had hardly slept, his face looked gaunt, with the dark shadows under his eyes making him look ill. He'd been falling behind in classes, and that was when he bothered to even go to school. He'd tried to win Castiel back with flowers and letters, but the flowers had been sent back, looking like they'd be through a chipper... Which was entirely possible since Dean knew Mick's father had a wood chipper. The letters had been shredded and sent back too. Dean wondered if Cas had read them before destroying them.

Dean had gone home the night Castiel had broken up with him, with a serious case of blue balls, he'd been right on the cusp of his own climax when Castiel had come inside him, but then, Cas had pulled out and everything had fallen to shit. He'd taken a shower, washing off the 'I just had sex and then had to walk the whole way home' smell, that had taken him over an hour, he'd get the Impala sorted the next day. Then he'd slumped down into his bed, where he had stayed for the next fourteen hours, thinking, quietly crying, cursing his own stupidity, looking at a photograph of him and Castiel and coming up with a plan to try and win Castiel back... Carefully avoiding the idea that he could have a baby on the way. 

When Dean returned from the shop one day, beers in hand, to find the photograph he'd sent Castiel, covered in glass outside his house, he sighed. Cas had been here... And he'd missed him, and yes it may have been to smash things, but Cas had been here... Dean took his shopping inside, sidestepping the broken glass and came back out a few minutes later with a dustpan and brush. He swept up the mess on the driveway, silently wishing it could be that easy to clean up the mess that was his life...

He missed Cas. He missed him so much it made his head hurt. He wondered if he would ever be able to get him to forgive him. He couldn't believe how badly he'd messed up, it had been a drunken, stupid mistake. It had meant nothing to him and he'd felt sick about it afterward. His guilt driving him to be the best boyfriend he could have been in the last week he and Castiel had had together. He'd thought they were fine, better than fine actually - The last week had been amazing, Castiel must have gone out of his way to show Dean how great they could have been, so he'd miss it, even more, when he left. And he did. 

He'd never thought of Castiel as someone who could scheme, who would carry out a cruel revenge plan. But then he'd never thought of himself as someone who would cheat either. His and Castiel's mutual friends had all come down hard on him, telling him what a dick he was. After a week or so, it had died down... and discussion had turned mainly to how fast Castiel had appeared to 'move' on. 

"Can't really blame him, Mick is hot" Said Bela one afternoon 

"Thanks, Bela, that helps" Snapped Dean moodily 

"Sorry Dean, but you fucked this up and Castiel is acting out of pain... You were a dick, now it's his turn to make bad choices" 

Dean frowned at Bela, about to retort angrily but then he realized something and his eyes narrowed "He is acting out of pain, isn't he?" 

"Well duh," Said Bela

"Which would mean... " Said Dean "That he still cares, right?" 

Bela looked unconvinced "You hurt him, really bad Dean" 

"I know..." Said Dean quietly "I'd give anything to take it back... But there has to be a way to... get past it?" 

"He's with Mick now," Said Bela as though that should end the conversation.

"Mick the prick" Muttered Dean, very maturely. Rolling his eyes in disgust at the thought of that idiot with his hands on Castiel "I have to get him back, I have to make this right... I have to try" 


	3. Back Around

Castiel woke up early one morning to the tap tap tap of stones hitting his window, he rubbed his eyes and got out of bed. He walked over to the window, expecting to see Dean on his lawn. Expecting to see him drunk, begging... 

He looked down, eyes widening at the sight before him. His breath caught in his throat. His brow furrowed in shock, there on his lawn, was Mick. Standing next to a beautiful bike, it had a big red ribbon sticky taped across the handles. Castiel looked at Mick, who grinned at him. 

Castiel turned for a second, considering his next move. He pulled on some sweat pants and ran down the stairs, and skidded to a halt at the front door. He opened it and hurried towards Mick. 

"Mick... What the?"

"Do you like it?" Asked Mick hopefully "It's for you" 

"You aren't serious?" Asked Castiel looking at the bike in amazement

"Deadly," Said Mick "Wanna go for a ride?" 

"Are you kidding?" Asked Castiel wide-eyed "Fuck yeah" 

"Great," Said Mick happily, he held out Castiel's helmet to him "I drove it over here, so your gonna have to drive us back to mine so I can get my bike, ok?" 

"Sure," Said Castiel "I have to get changed first, give me a minute" He ran back inside and grabbed his license too, pulled on some heavier clothes and then raced back to the front lawn. He smiled at Mick as he climbed excitedly on the bike first, feeling a thrill as Mick got on after him, pressing his front against Castiel's back, him wrapping an arm around his waist this time. It felt oddly comfortable, as Castiel carefully drove his new bike to Mick's, he didn't notice the Impala parked at the opposite end of the street, he didn't see Dean staring through his windscreen at him. He missed the look of utter heartbreak on his ex's face. 

Castiel drove with increasing confidence, the feel of the bike beneath him, the wind billowing on his clothes, Mick's body pressed against his, his arm snaked around his waist, it felt amazing. For this first time in the past month, he felt truly happy, this wasn't a face he had carefully painted on to mask his pain, this wasn't him using Mick as a distraction, this was freedom. Mick had given him freedom. He felt a spike in his heart, a sudden flash of guilt... for the first time, he had a sinking feeling that he was cheating on Dean, which he told himself was ridiculous, not only had he broken up with Dean, but he'd been fucking Mick for weeks. This, however, was different, this wasn't sex. This was feelings. He swived slightly in the road and felt Mick clutch tightly on to him. He recovered and concentrated on the road for the rest of the journey to Mick's house. 

When he pulled up, he felt Mick climb off the bike behind him "You alright?" Mick asked as he pulled his helmet off

"Yes," Said Castiel "That was amazing, sorry about the slight wobble"

Mick laughed "Don't worry about it, it was your first time on a new bike" 

Castiel placed his helmet strap over the handle of the bike and looked at Mick "I... " He paused "I know you wanted to go for a ride, but can we go in say... forty minutes? I really want to fuck you right now" 

Mick laughed, eyes narrowing "I have an idea..." He smirked at Castiel "You ever done it outside?" 

"I've done it in a car?" Said Castiel frowning "Why?" 

"Trust me," Said Mick "I'll be back in a minute, wait here ok?" He turned and hurried into his house when he returned he had a backpack on and he just smiled at Castiel before mounting his own bike "Follow me" 

***

It hadn't been Dean's intention to... well, basically stalk Castiel. He'd driven round to his house early, hoping to catch him at home and try and talk to him. What greeted him though as he reached the top of Castiel's street, was the image of Mick climbing onto the back of a motorbike that Castiel was going to drive, Dean's stomach knotted horribly as he watched Mick wrap his arms around Castiel. Dean's grip on the steering wheel subconsciously tightening. 

And Dean had definitely not intended to then follow behind Castiel and Mick, keeping a safe distance behind them so that he wouldn't be spotted and when Castiel pulled in through the gate, leading up to Mick's house Dean parked up on the next street over, watching. Then a few minutes later when they set off again, this time on two bikes, he followed again, hating Mick with every fiber of his being, but somehow, still hating himself more. His thoughts were running wild, at first, he'd believed or hoped that Castiel and Mick were just for show - an act to get him to feel jealous, and whilst he wasn't denying that that had worked, what he was witnessing right now, was not for his benefit. This was Castiel and Mick, not knowing Dean was watching, this was Castiel and Mick just... being together. And Dean suddenly had a horrible feeling of how 'together' they may really be. 

After about twenty minutes Dean slowed up, Castiel and Mick had pulled off the road into a private lake fishing site... Dean huffed as he realized, Mick's father owned the lake, he couldn't follow them in there... At least not in his car... A split second to debate how much further he would go, he didn't even know what he was hoping to see... or rather, what he was dreading. 

He parked two streets away, hitting his head on the steering wheel in frustration before getting out of his car and walking over to the turn off for the lake, he walked down the side of the road and then cut in through a gap in the hedges, getting scratched as he climbed through. He made his way quietly towards the car park, a graveled area that would fit around ten cars, max. But today it was empty, except for the two bikes that had just parked up. Dean's heart skipped as he watched Castiel taking his helmet off, his hair sticking up at odd angels and looking so frigging adorable that Dean wanted to run over and kiss him. 

His desire was very quickly overridden by anger as he watched Mick take Castiel's hand and pull him towards the lake. Hand holding? Really? Smary dick. Thought Dean to himself. He moved slowly through the trees watching them... Mick had stopped in a grassy clearing and take off his backpack, kneeling down he unzipped it and pulled out a large blanket, he shook it out and then laid it down neatly on the grass, all the while Dean's insides squirmed as he watched Castiel's fond expression, as he watched Mick. 

Then Dean watched in dismay as Castiel sat down on the blanket and pulled Mick on top of him... So Mick was now straddling Castiel who was sat up and kissing him with such furious desire that Dean felt physically sick. He fought down the urge to jump out of the bushes and beat seven shades of shit out of Mick and took a step backwards, looking down to avoid snappable twigs that may give him away. His eyes dart up again at the sound of a sexy little moan, he recognized immediately as Castiel. He saw that Castiel was now laid down, with Mick on top of him, kissing him and running his hands all over his body hungrily. Dean's blood boiled. He blinked out an angry tear and, not wanting to witness anymore, he turned and quietly made his way back to the road, before climbing back through the hedge he leaned his arms against a tree lowering his head and take a few deep steadying breaths. 

Dean pulled himself together and headed back to his car, not entertaining a fleeting idea of messing with Mick's bike, he wanted the guy gone, but he didn't want to hurt him, well... He didn't want to kill him anyway...


	4. What You See Is The Worst Me

Pulling up his pants, Castiel looked over at Mick. He had a growing warmth inside him like he was healing. Mick caught his glance as he was putting on his t-shirt and smiled at him. 

"What?" He asked 

"I just... I didn't expect this to..." He looked hopefully at Mick, willing him to understand.

"I know, I didn't either" Said Mick, before sitting next to Castiel "Is it ok?" 

"Yes, It's more than ok, you've seen and accepted me at my absolute worst, you've seen me be cruel and cold and you've stuck with me. It's not the bike Mick. It's not the expensive dates or even the amazing sex - and it is amazing by the way. It's that you have stayed through my crazy and helped me get better" 

"The last few weeks have been the most fun I've ever had Cas," Said Mick "I really like you, I don't want this to be... because it's just convenient anymore, you know?"

"I don't think it is" Said Castiel "Whenever I thought about Dean, in the beginning, it was anger and pain, but now... It's just annoying, I just want him to stop now, I want to see where this goes"

"So... without sounding too cheesy... this is real?"

Castiel looked at Mick and smiled "Yeah" Mick took a deep breath and let out a very relieved sigh. Castiel looked at him and put a hand on his hand "I'm done, messing around with Dean, if he contacts me again, I will tell him the truth... I've moved on"

"I feel bad for the guy," Said Mick quietly, then seeing the look on Castiel's face he hastened to add "Not because of anything you did, hell the guy deserved that. No, I mean, I feel bad because he is going to have to live with the fact he made the worst mistake of his life. But... I'm glad he fucked up, not that he hurt you, but that... Well"

"I know" Said Castiel quietly "I know what you mean" 

"Do you wanna get out of here? Go get something to eat somewhere?" Asked Mick standing up

"Sounds good" Castiel got to his feet and Mick leaned forwards laughing as pulled a blade of grass out of Castiel's hair. 

 

***

Dean drove home and slumped down on his bed. Castiel had looked happy, and it made him feel sick that it wasn't because of him, but some other guy... But. He had looked happy. Dean's head told him that he should be happy for him, leave him alone, move on. Dean's heart told him to fight, fight for what was his, fight for what he wanted. He sighed. Not knowing what to do... He pulled his laptop towards him and pulled up a youtube playlist of sad love songs, putting his headphones on and letting the depression wave hit him, he cried silent tears as he listened to songs about love lasting forever. Reaching under his bed he pulled the bottle of Jack out, it was half empty when he began drinking it. 

By the time he'd decided it was a good idea to go and visit Castiel, it was dark outside, at some point he'd passed out on his bed and when he had woken, he finished the bottle of Jack and the four cans of beer that now littered his bedroom floor. He pulled on a jacket and walked round to Castiel's house, his mission was to get Castiel back. He belonged with him, he was sure of it. Stumbling down the middle of the road, he narrowly escaped being hit by not one, but two cars. 

He reached Castiel's house and saw a light on in the room he knew belonged to Castiel, his eyes burned at the memory of all the times he'd been in that room, all the times he'd been in bed with Castiel in that room. God, he missed him so fucking much. 

He wobbled his way up the driveway and banged on the door, calling out for Castiel. 

Another light flickered on in the hallway as Dean shouted "Cas, come on. I know you're in there. You gotta talk to me, Please!"

He saw Castiel behind the blurred glass of the front door and he stepped back. The door opened slightly and Castiel's face appeared behind the chain holding the door. 

"What do you want Dean?" He said, quickly noting that Dean was drunk

"I want you, you and me. Back how it was before I fucked everything up. It was all my fault Cas, I know that, but you have to give me another chance" 

Castiel sighed, closing the door. For a moment Dean thought he was going to just ignore him, but then the door opened properly and Castiel stepped outside, in a dressing gown and boxers. 

"Dean. I want you to listen to me, really listen. It's too late" Said Castiel looking at him "I'm moving on, I think it's time for you to do the same" 

"No. I can't. I love you and I know you love me Cas, I know you do. You have too, you have to give me another chance" Dean begged

"Dea--" Castiel was cut short by Dean suddenly grabbing his face between his hands and pulling him in for a drunken kiss, as though Dean believed it could magically remind Castiel of how he'd loved him. It did not have the desired effect. Castiel shoved Dean back and glared at him "What the hell are you doing Dean?!" Cas shouted at him

"I love you, I need you Cas" 

Mick suddenly appeared behind Castiel and Dean glared at him "The fuck are you doing here!?" He snapped 

"It's really none of your business Dean," Said Castiel "Go home and sober up, you stink of beer" 

"No" Said Dean with no real plan of what to do now, except not give up. 

Mick stepped in front of Castiel "Dean, he asked you to leave" 

"Fuck off, no one's talking to you" Snarled Dean at Mick "Fucking rich prick thinking you can order people around" 

Mick narrowed his eyes dangerously at Dean. 

"DEAN! It's over!! Get that into your head, you broke us! YOU! You damn near destroyed me and Mick..." Castiel swallowed with a side glance at Mick "We are together now, and I'm happy. I don't want you. Why would I want a child when I have a man. A good man, who makes me happy" 

Dean closed his eyes and refocused them on Mick. Suddenly... No matter that it was him who'd cheated, no matter that it was him who'd got himself drunk and turned up uninvited at Castiel's house, no matter even, that Mick makes Castiel happy... It was suddenly just all Mick's fault, his anger and despair made him see red. 

It was only as his fist connected to the side of Mick's face, that he realized what he was doing...

Mick stumbled back a step, but recovered his balance and turned back to face Dean, but Castiel was already there, shoving Dean down and on to the lawn. Dean landed on his ass with a thump.

He looked up, blinking "Shit..." His breathing was hard, short quick gasps as he met Castiel's eyes "Shit. No, I'm sorry. I'm sorry" He looked at Mick who was holding his jaw, a pained expression on his face "This isn't me... I don't" He stood up, holding his hands up in surrender "I'm sorry, I'm leaving" One last glance at Castiel "I do love you Cas. And I am sorry" 

 


	5. All I Ask

Dean held up his hands, showing he meant no harm. Castiel and Mick regarded him with suspicion.

"What are you doing here Dean? Didn't I make it clear I didn't want to see you again last night?"

Dean looked wounded as he looked back up into Castiel's eyes "You did, and I know you meant it. Mick," Dean looked at Mick "Could I speak to Cas alone for a minute?"

"I don't think so pal," Said Mick, the slight purple bruise to his jawline clear in the afternoon son "Why don't you just leave him alone"

"Dean, you attacked Mick last night, you were out of control, I don't know that I would even want to talk to you alone" 

Dean took a deep steadying breath "I know, and I am sorry. Mick, I shouldn't have hit you, I have no excuse. I apologize" Dean looked from Mick to Castiel "But I'm sober now, and I just want two minutes, you have my word" He looked back to Mick "Two minutes, and I'll go" 

Mick narrowed his eyes at Dean, before turning to Castiel "Up to you, babe" 

Castiel looked at Mick, registering the pet name for what it was, a show of possession to Dean, it made him smile, but then he caught the look on Dean's face and stopped instantly "Two minutes Dean, and then... you leave" 

"Agreed" Said Dean nodding. 

Mick looked at Castiel "Shout me if you need me. I'll be upstairs" Castiel nodded and Mick walked to the stairs glancing back to Dean, he gave Dean a startling look, Dean knew what it was, a warning, a threat. Mick climbed the stairs and vanished from sight. 

"Dean..." Began Castiel

"No, please. I only have two minutes, just listen" Said Dean desperately "I fucked up, I know that. I fucked up by hurting you, I fucked up by not telling you the truth, I fucked up by coming here yesterday, drunk. And I fucked up when I hit Mick. I've been thinking about what you said - about me being a child..."

"Dean I didn't mean..." 

"No, you did. And you know what, you were right. I've been acting like a kid, an idiot. And if Mick makes you happy, then I really need to accept that and let you be happy. You deserve it. The thing is, when I met you, it was like being hit by lightning, you changed everything, you made me happier than I have been in my whole life, and I didn't even realize what I had till I lost it, I have to live with that. But I wanted to tell you, in person. I'm going to do better, be better. Because if I ever got another chance... And I'm not saying I deserve one or even, asking you to give me one, but if I ever did, I'd want to be the man you deserve, because I couldn't live with myself if I ever hurt you again" Dean took a moments pause, sighing "I'm leaving, I dropped out of college. I'm going to go and work on an oil rig for six months, I have a cousin who set me up with a job, going to get my head sorted, clean up my act and I just wanted to ask before I left, I hoped... When I come back... Could we try to be friends again?"

Dean waited for Castiel to respond, Castiel seemed to be thinking about it - which was way better than an instant rejection "I don't know Dean, there's a lot of history and I don't know how Mick would feel about that" 

"I understand, but it's not really up to him Cas. Just think about it ok? Please. I just don't want to lose you completely, I know you're with Mick, but friends... ok, think about it, I leave in three days" Dean turned, ready to walk away.

"Dean" Castiel stopped him with the lightest touch on his arm and Dean turned easily back to him "You have a child on the way, how can you leave now?" 

Dean smiled weakly "Actually, that's not confirmed. Yes, I slept with her, yes she is pregnant. But I spoke to her last night, there are two possible fathers. I will be back a couple of months before her due date and will be getting a paternity test. But I have no money Cas, I have to go, in case it is my baby. I have to be responsible, that includes getting a job and if the baby is mine, supporting him or her" 

Castiel nodded, inwardly surprised at Dean's newfound resolve, he looked down for a moment, thinking "I'll talk to Mick, I'll think about it Dean, being friends. I can't make any other promises than that, I will think about it" 

"That's all I ask, thank you Cas" Dean smiled sadly as he turned away again and walked away from the love of his life. 

***

"I don't trust him," Said Mick as soon as Castiel had finished telling him the conversation between himself and Dean "I don't. And I wouldn't want to be friends with him, but... Having said that Cas, this is up to you, it's not for me to tell you who you can and cannot be friends with. I don't trust him, but I do trust you, so if you want to try and be friends with Dean again I will support you, I won't like it especially, but I won't stand in your way. It's your call... I'm just grateful that you cared enough to ask me about my feelings before you decided. Thank you" 

Castiel stared at Mick, stunned "How are you so perfect? Seriously? You always say and do the right things, you always make me feel so... Just, thank you" 

Mick smiled "I'm not perfect Cas, but I will always try to do right by you, I promise you that" 

Castiel bit his lip to stop the words that were threatening to spill from them, it was much too soon for that. 

"So, what do you want to do about Dean? Do you want to be his friend?" Mick asked gently, rubbing a hand up Castiel's back soothingly.

"I'm going to think about it," Said Castiel, then he smiled at Mick "But, for tonight - that's enough about Dean. I want to just be here, with you" His hand slid up Mick's leg to his zipper...


	6. Six Months

Dean spent the next six months on the oil rig working, he made a few friends but mostly kept to himself, reading a bunch of baby books he'd bought in secret before he left, including The Expectant Dad's Survival Guide: Everything You Need to Know, The New Dad's Survival Guide, The Bloke's Guide To Pregnancy and Pocket Commando Dad: Basic Training - Advice for New Recruits to Fatherhood. 

The Bloke's Guide To Pregnancy was skimmed over and quickly thrown away as Dean realized he wasn't even going to be there for morning sickness or heartburn... He read about the birth and labor and turned a lovely pale green color and that was the moment that book... met bin. 

He worked hard, he worked out, he ate well, he read every night and he never drank. He bulked up and had to start borrowing shirts from his new friend Benny, as his own left tight red indents in his skin. He looked at his new muscles feeling proud of how he looked, shaking his head of thoughts like 'Mick doesn't look this good' or 'I wonder what Cas will think when I go home'. He tried very hard to get over Castiel, he tried to make himself believe he was happy for him, he knew he would have to be - if he wanted the friendship to work when he went home, Castiel had called him, the day before he was due to leave and said that he would be willing to try. He'd reasoned, that the six months apart would help Dean move on and would be good for him. 

And Dean really didn't want to mess up the chance of having Castiel in his life, in some capacity, even if it was just as a friend. 

"Hey brother" 

Dean smiled as he looked up at Benny "Hey"

"You alright?" 

"Yeah, why?" 

"You're going home in a couple of days, a kid on the way, big changes" 

Dean laughed "It's not the baby I'm worried about, I've read all those baby books a dozen times each, I have to be one of the most prepared dads to be out there, knowledge-wise anyway, I'm not buying nursery furniture till I know for sure the kid's mine" 

Benny smiled "You want it to be?" 

Dean looked up "Yeah, you know what. Yeah, I think I do. At first, it was like the scariest most awful thing that could have happened... But now, reading all these books - I've been imagining me doing those things with my kid, ya know? Bath time, reading stories, taking them to a playground and just all that shit. Feels like something I could get used to" He smiled thinking about walking down the street holding his son or daughters hand. 

"So what are you worried about then?" Asked Benny "You said it's not the baby you were worried about"

"Yeah, well there are hundreds of books on how to deal with babies, what to do - what not to do, not so many on how to be friends with your ex, I messed it up, it was my fault, he is... was the god damn love of my life and I screwed him over, how do I make up for something like that?" 

"Baby steps," Said Benny laughing "No, but seriously - just show him you've changed, and you have, by the way, you were a sniveling moody little bitch when you first stepped onto this rig. Now look at you, feeling all daddy confident and looking at buying a house when you get home and talking about forgiveness without the added on - Maybe then he'll take me back thing you always use to say. You, Dean Winchester, have grown up"

Dean pulled a face "I was not a sniveling moody little bitch"

"That's what you got from all that? Maybe I was wrong about you growing up then... I take it back"

Dean laughed, standing up and giving Benny a pat on the shoulder "Just kidding, I know I was a mess. Bet I was loads of fun to be stuck here with huh?" 

"Sure," Said Benny pulling a skeptical face. Before winking and turning away to leave, he stopped in the doorway and turned back to Dean "Oh and don't forget - you owe me three new shirts" He smiled and walked quickly away before Dean could respond. 

***

Castiel had agreed to try and be friends again with Dean when he came home. That night when Dean had come to ask him, he'd seen a flicker of the old devotion Dean used to have for him, he'd seen the despartate hope in his eyes and once Castiel knew Mick would stand by him, if he desided to try and remain friends with Dean, he felt he owed it to himself and Dean to try, yes there was a lot of pain there at the end, but there had been a lot of love too, and he couldn't deny that he'd done things he wasn't proud of to Dean, in his heartbroken state he'd returned gifts broken, smashed and ruined - the only reason he'd had for doing that was to hurt Dean, if Dean could forgive him that, he should try to forgive Dean for his mistakes. And Castiel missed him, it was not something he'd told anyone, but it was true, he may not want to be in a relationship with Dean anymore, but he still missed him, they'd been a large part of each other live's for the last year. And friends for even longer before that.

Castiel had gone to see Dean off - only Dean didn't know. He hadn't seen Castiel pull up on his bike as Dean had boarded a bus to start his journey to his new job. Castiel watched as the bus pulled away. Feeling an odd sense of loss as he watched the bus turn around the corner, he muttered two words under his breath before leaving... "Good Luck" 

He'd driven to Mick's, they had had dinner with Mick's parents and then gone up to his room, they'd made slow love. And as Castiel curled into his boyfriend's arms sleepily he'd confessed to Mick... 

"I think I'm in love with you" He'd said quietly, he felt a light kiss pressed to his shoulder blade and felt Mick's breath on his skin as Mick had whispered back.

"Well, that's good - because I plan on keeping you Cas" Castiel had turned in his arms to face Mick and Mick had smiled at him "I always loved you. I just didn't say anything because I didn't want to scare you" 

Six months had passed by for Mick and Castiel and Mick started talking about them living together, getting their own place. Castiel had agreed but wanted to finish college first, and Mick had told him he would happily wait, he wanted it to be perfect. 

Mick had another reason for being alright with waiting, he knew Dean would be returning soon. He had to be sure that wouldn't change anything between him and Castiel. 


	7. I'm Home

Dean gets off the bus his heavy bag on his shoulder and his phone in his hand. He fires off a quick message to his dad, telling him he is back in town and will be home soon and he sets off on his walk home. Walking back towards his dad's house, looking around the town, he notices a small house with a for sale sign. Curiosity gets the best of him and he walks over to it, peering in through the window he see's an empty living area, and beyond that a small kitchen, he can see all the way through window in the kitchen to the grassed back garden... 'Perfect' he thinks to himself 'for a kid to play in' he wonders how many bedrooms there are and pulls out his phone to get the number of the estate agents sign. He'll call later. 

He finally gets home, slumps his bag down in the hall and smiles as he sees his dad and brother coming down the stairs to meet him. 

"Hey, look at you" John smiles "You're twice the size you were before you left, what the hell were they feeding you boy?" John pulls his oldest son into his arms and gives him a tight hug "You alright?" He said dragging his knuckles over Dean's head and scruffing up his hair.

"Gerroff me" Laughs Dean shoving his dad away from him "Hey Sam" 

Sam bounces down the stairs and digs a light punch in Dean's shoulders "Hey Jerk" 

Dean rolls his eyes and mouths "Bitch" at Sam so his father won't see him.

"So... What's the plan, Dean?" Asks John "Pizza or burgers?" 

For a moment Dean's heart had sunk, thinking his father was asking what his plan was in life now that he was back - he had no clue, he just knew he'd need to find a job, get a deposit put down on a house with his oil rig job money and then... wait and see if he was going to be a father. He sighed in relief and then said "Both?" 

John laughed "You paying?" 

"I'll order a pizza, you put the burgers on?" Smirked Dean 

"Yes" Sam did a nerdy little fist pump 

"Who said you're getting any?" Laughed Dean "Just kidding" 

"Sam, go and finish your homework, we'll shout you when teas ready," Said John before patting Dean on the shoulder in a way that guided him towards their kitchen, Sam ran back upstairs and Dean allowed himself to be led through the house by his father "So" Began John "How'd you get on?" 

"Fine" Said Dean "It was weird at first, but I think it helped - getting away from things for a bit" 

John nodded "Yeah, I know son. I'm still disappointed you quit school" Dean made a face "BUT... I am proud of you Dean" 

Dean frowned at him "What? Proud of me for what?" 

"You made a mistake... But look at you, taking responsibilities for your actions. Dean, everyone fucks up every now and then, everyone. It's the people that ignore their problems, the people who go through life acting like their actions don't matter - they're the idiots. You made a mistake and you have taken steps to deal with it, you saved up your wages from the rig, right?"

"Yeah" Said Dean "I actually passed a small house on the way here that looks alright"

"You don't have to move out straight away, you know that right? I'm not kicking you out" 

"I know Dad, I just want my own place" 

John nodded "Well, you aren't going anywhere tonight, missed you kid" 

Dean smiled at his father. 

"Have you spoken to Castiel?" Asked John cautiously 

"No, I haven't yet. It's... I don't know what to say" Said Dean feeling embarrassed 

"Just tell him your back" John paused thinking, then added "Ask him how he is" 

Dean nodded "Thanks dad"

"But Dean..." 

"Yeah?"

"Order the pizza first" John winked at his son before turning away and pulling a packet of burgers from the freezer. Dean laughed, shaking his head... But he did order a pizza first. Then he spent ten minutes in his room pacing, wondering how to write a text to Castiel when he hadn't spoken to him in six months. Finally, he fired off a text to Castiel and put his phone on charge and went downstairs, he knew if he took his phone with him, he'd be checking it every couple of minutes and he didn't want to be like that if he and Cas were going to be friends... He needed to act like a friend. 

_'Hey Cas, It's D. How have you been? Just wanted to let you know, I got back today. I hope you still wanna try to be friends, I'm doing better, six months sober. D'_

***

Castiel lifts his head when he hears his phone message tone go off, but Mick's hands are in his hair and holding him down.

"Don't stop Cas" Mick moans 

Castiel grins around Mick's cock and bobs back down, sucking down hard on it. A few moments later Mick is coming in Castiel's mouth and he swallows it down. 

"Fuck" Grounds out Mick "That was awesome" 

Castiel grins at him "My turn?" 

"Hell yeah, switch places?" Said Mick shifting over so Castiel could lie down, his phone lying forgotten as Mick lowers his mouth over Castiel...

Castiel's eyes roll back in his head as Mick's warm tongue rolls over his tip and slides down the shaft. 

 

*** 

After Pizza and burgers and beer... John passes out in front of the television, Dean pulls a half drunk can from his hand and puts it down on the table. He turns the television off and heads upstairs, he and his dad had stayed up late - talking long after Sam had been sent to bed. Dean was thinking over their conversation, his dad had said he was proud of him, his dad seemed excited about the possibility of having a grandchild. He'd also mentioned, that he'd seen Castiel and his new partner a few times. 

Dean walked into his room and pulled his phone from the charger. Switching it on, he saw that his message had been delivered, but he had received no reply. His heart sank, what did that mean? Did Cas see his message and just ignore it, did he change his number? Maybe... He'd left his phone with Mick and Mick had deleted his text? Should he text again? Was it too late now? He sighed, putting his phone down on the table... He pulled off his shirt - well Benny's old shirt. He pulled his pants down and chucked the dirty clothes into the corner of his room - the corner designated to dirty laundry. He walked to the bathroom in his boxers and brushed his teeth, walking back to his room, he closed the door and got into bed. 

He picked his phone up off the table and checked the screen... Still nothing. He sighed, turning over on to his side... He flicked through the photo's on his camera roll, until he came to the one he'd looked at every night for the past six months, he smiled sadly... At the image of Castiel kissing him and clicked delete before turning his phone off and closing his eyes...


	8. Communication

The next morning Castiel wakes up, arm cramped and numb from Mick's head lying on it, he pulls it gently from under his boyfriend and stretches it around, getting some feeling back in it. Mick snores lightly as Castiel gets out of bed and routes around for his boxers. He finds them and pulls them on, he opens Mick's bedroom door and peers down the corridor, with no sign of Mick's parents Castiel darts out of the bedroom to the toilet to relieve himself. After washing his hands, he tiptoes back to Mick's room, it's not like Mick's parents don't know he is there, but there is a difference between knowing he slept over and seeing him in his underwear with bedhead. 

He closes the door to Mick's room and looks for his phone, picking it up and clicking it on - his breath catches. There is a text from Dean. The first contact in six months, he blinks, licks his lips and looks over to Mick, a part of him wanting to read the text in private... But another voice in his head asks him how he would feel if Mick got a text from his ex and didn't tell him about it... 

He climbs back into the bed and gently pokes Mick's shoulder... 

Mick rolls over "Sup?" He says with that adorably sleepy face, Castiel leans over him smiling and plants a soft kiss on his lips.

He holds up his phone, so Mick can see it "Dean text me... I didn't like the idea of opening it without you, it felt... dishonest" 

Mick sits up - instantly awake. He takes hold of the phone and puts it on the bedside table before turning back to Castiel, his hand rising to Castiel's face "Do you have any idea how amazing you are?" He says smiling at him, leaning in for a kiss

"Mick," Says Castiel smiling between kisses "He text me last night... "

"Well he can wait another ten minutes Cas," Says Mick as his hands roam over Castiel's skin - he just wants one more time, one more time before Dean officially comes back into Castiel's life, where it is just him and Cas... "Please?"

Castiel rolls his eyes in amusement, shifting down the bed to position himself between Mick's legs "You're a bad influence, Mick Davies" He smirked as he pulled the bed sheet up off Mick to reveal his beautiful swollen cock "Ten minutes? Better make that half an hour - and I want this, in me" He said as he grasped Mick firmly and began jerking his hand over his dick. 

"Mmm I guess that's fair" Winked Mick sighing into Castiel's touch "I love you" 

Castiel leaned over Mick and bit gently on his thigh "I love you too" 

 

***

"Dean!? Get up!" 

Dean's eyes shoot open as his father knocks on his door and shout's him.

"Dean!" Calls John "You decent?" 

"Yeh," Says Dean groggily

The door opens and in comes his dad "Good news... Bobby called he can give you a part-time job at the garage until you get something permanent. If you want it, get dressed - the condition is you start today - his two other guys are both sick and he needs help"  

Dean sits up in bed, suddenly wide awake "Seriously? That's great, ok - give me ten minutes" John nods and leaves the room and Dean jumps out of bed, his phone getting buried under the bed sheets as he hurries to get dressed.

Ten minutes later, and Dean is driving his baby again... "Did you miss me?" He says to the car as he pulls her out of the garage where she'd been kept safe. His first day at the garage was hard work, he wasn't sure of how Bobby ran things and he only knew what Bobby and his father had taught him about cars - seemed he still had a lot to learn. He got home six hours later, Bobby telling him he'd done well and to come in the next afternoon to sort out a part-time contract. 

Dean walked into the house, greasy and tired. He waved at Sam and slumped upstairs to take a shower. After his shower, he went into his bedroom and flopped down on the bed - his head hit something solid under the sheets... 

"My phone," He said - having been completely distracted all day, he'd forgotten about it. When he turned it on, he frowned, he had nine missed calls and seven new texts... He opened his messages and saw one from Castiel... But before he could even read it... his eyes fell to the other texts... He clicked open the last message... His eyes widening with worry as he read... He jumped up, dropping the phone to the floor, he pulled on a change of clothes and ran downstairs, ignoring Sam's question's as he ran to the front door and climbed back into his car, pulling out of the driveway like a man possessed and he sped off down the road... Towards the hospital. His knuckles white against the steering wheel. 

***

Castiel opened the text message from Dean, sat next to Mick so he could see it, he had no secrets.

_'Hey Cas, It's D. How have you been? Just wanted to let you know, I got back today. I hope you still wanna try to be friends, I'm doing better, six months sober. D'_

"He's been sober for six months," Said Castiel sounding thoughtful "That's a good sign if it's the truth"

"You think he'd lie?" Asked Mick

"No, not really... He wasn't very good at lying" Said Castiel remembering Dean's weak attempts at lying - 'sorry I'm late... There was this raccoon...' Castiel smiled "No, he wasn't a liar - not really. He just kept that... one secret..." He took a deep breath "Ok... Here goes" 

He began typing a reply to Dean... 

_'Dean, it's great to hear that you're doing well. I hope your time away was pleasant. Yes, we can be friends, as long as you know, that I am with Mick and it is just friends. Welcome home, Castiel'_

It felt weird to sign off as 'Castiel' but 'C' was how he used to end a text when he and Dean were together, it was different now. He was different. 

"You ok?" He heard Mick ask him "You seem far away"

"Just thinking" Said Castiel putting his phone down after he'd sent the text "I just hope this works... that we can be friends again... Ya know? We've been in each other's lives a long time. I do think I needed this time apart, the past few months, with no Dean to kinda... Get over all that crap that happened between us. But I do miss my friend..." 

Mick nodded, and when Castiel looked at him guiltily he said "That's ok Cas, you don't have to look so worried about it... You've been considerate of my feelings throughout this whole thing and included me in your decisions - above and beyond what I would expect and you always explained why you've made the choices you have... I trust you. I believe you, I get that you and Dean were friends for a long time before you dated. If you'd be happy to get your friend back, I'd be happy for you too. One thing though..."

"Hmm?" 

"If he ever gets drunk and hits me again... or hits you... " Mick looked at Castiel "I won't be as forgiving as I was last time - I'll floor the guy - fair warning" 

Castiel smiled at Mick, his protective words warming his heart - he didn't mention the fact that he didn't think Mick would win in a fight against Dean... There are some things you just don't say about your ex to your current boyfriend and 'He could kick your ass' is pretty close to the top of the list. 


	9. Cry

"Dean? You came?" Jo ran up to Dean as he stormed into the hospital, eyes darting around wildly. 

"Where is she?" He demanded

"It's, it's... She's through there... But Dean..." Dean rushed past Jo ignoring her and pushing his way through the ward to where Jo had pointed. Dean paused outside the curtain, took a deep breath and pulled it back gently... His eyes fell on the crying woman on the bed. The woman who he'd slept with almost seven months ago, her eyes were red, swollen and she looked up as Dean entered... 

His eyes filled with tears as he saw her "Where... where's...?" 

The woman sniffed and swallowed "She's in intensive care, the baby unit..." She cried

"She?" Asked Dean a wet half smile forming "It's a girl?"

"Emma," She said

"Emma... that's a beautiful name" He gestured to a chair next to the bed and the girl nodded, so he sat down "What happened?" 

Through choked sobs the girl looked at Dean "She's nine weeks early, she had the cord wrapped around her neck and she wasn't breathing Dean..." She broke down "She wasn't breathing and she didn't cry and ... and... they think she has brain damage. She's still not breathing on her own. She's on a machine..."

Dean reached out for the girl's hand, his own face wet with tears as he gave her hand a squeeze.

"They don't know if she'll be able to breathe without the machine, they don't know the extent of the damage to her brain..." She pulled her hand away from Dean to cup both her hands over her face as she sobbed... "Dean, they... they don't think she's... "

"Shhh" Dean hushed her, not wanting to hear the end of that sentence "Let's hope for the best, yeah?"

She nodded "I can't believe you're here..." 

"Of course I'm here" Said Dean smiling weakly 

"I have a paternity test, I ordered it online a month ago... It's in my baby bag... Do you still want to know..." She looked at him, eyes full of tears

"Of course, I do. This doesn't change anything, if she is mine, I want to be there for her, I don't care if she's... I mean... I care, but... fuck... "

"I know what you mean"

"It wouldn't scare me away if she needed extra help" Said Dean getting a grip on what he was trying to say "I'm here ok" 

"The test is in my bag if you want to do your bit now, it's just a mouth swab. I'll get the doctors to do Emma's when they think it's best" 

Dean picked up her bag "Ok, for me to go in your bag?" She nods, sending fresh tears down her cheeks "Ok, ok... found it..." 

 

***

Sam's hands are shaking as he reads through the multiple messages from Jo on Dean's phone, he had seen the look on Dean's face when he'd stormed out of the house, he knew something was really wrong...

_'Dean, this is Jo. It's happening, come to the hospital'_

_'Dean, it's Jo, something's wrong - they are taking her for an emergency section'_

_'She's been in there a really long time, and I'm getting scared. Please come to the hospital Dean'_

They were short, panicked messages. The last one, the one that had already been opened and that Dean had read, was...

_'Baby is here, there were complications. Where are you?!'_

Sam stared at the phone in quiet horror. Hoping, praying that everyone was alright. That Dean would be alright... He jumped out of his skin when the phone started ringing in his hands... He frowned as the name 'Cas' flashed up across the screen... 

"Hello?" He answered voice shaking slightly

"Dean?" Came a confused sounding Castiel

"No, it's Sam" 

"Oh, hello Sam. Could you put Dean on please?"

"He isn't here right now"

"Oh..." Castiel thought it was odd that Sam would be answering Dean's phone... "Is everything alright?"

"Dean's at the hospital," Said Sam numbly 

"What?!" Castiel's voice was full of panic and concern "Is he alright?"

"I... I don't know... " 

"Ok, Ok Sam... I'm going to go and see him" Said Castiel hanging up... 

Sam sat there for another five minutes in stunned silence before it occurred to him that he'd made it sound like Dean was in the hospital, like something had happened to Dean... When he tried to call Castiel back, he didn't get an answer... 


	10. When The Bough Breaks

"What is it?" Asked Mick as Castiel hung up the phone "What's happened?"

"Dean's in the hospital..." Somewhere deep within him, a seed of guilt begins to grow, what if Dean had done something because he thought Castiel was ignoring him? He'd text him last night and Castiel had been to busy getting a blow job to text back. He knows logically, he hasn't done anything wrong, he knows that Dean's not his responsibility, he knows he can't be expected to drop everything whenever Dean texts - he is with Mick and Mick comes first. So why is he sweating? Why does it feel like his heart is in his throat? Why is he thinking of all the stupid and horrible things that Dean may have done to himself... 

Mick stared at him for a moment before jumping up and grabbing his shoes "Well let's go" 

Castiel nodded "I don't know what's happened, Sam seemed a bit - out of it" 

"Well let's go and find out" Said Mick giving Castiel's arm a gentle squeeze

Castiel nodded and followed Mick out of his room, and down to the garages where their bikes were. 

 

***

After Dean had done his mouth swab for the paternity test. He sits back next to the bed "Where's" He cleared his throat "Where's Zeke?" 

The girl on the bed scoffed "Zeke doesn't care Dean. He isn't interested" 

Dean frowned "Even if Emma's his?" 

"He doesn't want anything to do with me, or Emma" She sighed "I have been praying this whole time that she's yours. I am so sorry for this Dean, I know you lost and gave up a lot. I'm so sorry to put you through all of this" 

Dean didn't know what to say... This whole situation was a giant mess. But there was a baby, a girl, Emma. Maybe his little girl, a small part of him was even thinking about saying that it didn't matter what the results of some test would be, he so wanted her to be his. But he knew he needed to know the truth. He wouldn't want to lie to Emma if she grew up believing he was her father, and it turned out he wasn't. Finding his voice he said "I hope she is mine too" 

They both looked up as a doctor walked in, face set.

*** 

Castiel and Mick arrived, paid their parking and walked into the hospital through the entrance, they pass the small hospital cafe, they pass the gift shop and then Castiel see's, Dean... He is stood at the end of the hall at the coffee machine... He seems to be staring straight through it. Not really seeing what is right before his eyes... Castiel casts a worried glance to Mick, who shrugs in an 'I don't know' manner. They walk slowly towards Dean, who hasn't even noticed them... 

"Dean?" Dean turns at the soft tone of Castiel's voice, his face is pale, his eyes are red, bloodshot, it's obvious that he has been crying, his hands are shaking slightly in front of him and his glassy eyes seem to slide up to look at Castiel in slow motion.

Castiel relax's, Dean's stood in front of him, he can't be that ill... "You're alright," He says with relief.

Dean's head shakes from side to side, his eyes seem to flicker instead of blink, and yet more tears pool at the edges and spill over... "No, no... No, I'm really not"

Castiel frowns at him, stepping forward, Mick to his side "What's ..."

"She died... " Dean slumps down to his knees, burying his face in his hands - he sobs, unable to control his... everything, rage, despair, sadness, shock, guilt... all of it comes flooding up through him in one huge tidal wave... He feels sick, he feels numb, he feels like at any moment he will wake up and thank god that this was a dream... but that doesn't happen. He is really here. Emma is really gone - and the weight of it stabs at his heart and crushes down on his chest... His world is caving in around him, he can't breathe... He has lost everything. He chokes on his sobs, he feels dizzy... Everything feels to close and yet miles away...

Castiel cast a desperate glance to Mick, a silent request for permission and Mick nodded. Castiel dropped to his knees wrapping his arms around Dean and hugged him tightly to him, letting his ex sob freely into his shoulder... 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry. x


	11. To See You Again

Dean doesn't ask what Cas is doing there, he doesn't ask how he knew he was there... He just grips on to him as though if he let go the ground might give way beneath him and he'd drop away... Disappearing into nothing. After a few minutes, his breathing seems to settle and he pulls back wiping his face, he looks up to see Mick watching, and instantly lets go of Castiel, for a moment there he'd forgotten - Cas isn't his, not anymore. 

He wipes his face again, sniffs and stands up, reaching a hand out to Mick "Last time I saw you, I acted like a dick... I'm sorry" 

Mick grabs his hand, shaking it as Castiel stands up beside them a small wet tear puddle on his shoulder "Don't worry about that right now Dean, it's in the past" Mick looks at Dean, with a reassuring smile, he shifts to look at the coffee machine "Did you want a drink?" 

Dean shakes his head "No, no... I don't even know what I was doing, I just seemed to end up standing here" He takes a deep breath in, calming himself. 

***

Castiel falls onto his bed, Mick undressing next to him, he sighs heavily "I still can't believe it..." 

"I know, it's just... " Mick shakes his head "I can't even imagine, I mean... It's bad enough for Dean, but I keep thinking about the mother too..." 

Mick and Castiel had stayed with Dean for another hour, mostly it had been spent sat in silence, Dean staring off into nothing but being grateful for the company. When Dean's father had turned up with Sam, Castiel and Mick had left. Driving home after promising Dean that things would get better, telling him there was nothing he could have done, it was just one of those things... One of those awful, unfair things. 

John had walked into the hospital, nodded to Castiel and Mick but didn't speak to them. He'd made a beeline for his son, eyes specked with the threat of tears. He'd gripped Dean and pulled him to him and hugged him... He was still holding his eldest as Castiel and Mick left, Cas had turned to glance back at the family when he'd reached the door to see Sam standing and hugging Dean from behind, so Dean was effectively squished between his brother and his father. It felt... Wrong, to be leaving. There was something telling him to go back to Dean, to comfort him. This was not how he'd imagined the first time he would see Dean again would be, he hadn't expected to see him so painfully broken. Dean had sounded positive in his text, less than twenty-four hours ago - Dean had been doing well. Castiel had to suppress a shudder at the thought of how Dean would deal with this latest blow.

***

When Dean finally leaves the hospital, after a heartbreaking hug with the woman who he'd held and cried with at the news of Emma's passing, he gets into the back of his father's car, to exhausted to drive, eyes too weary to concentrate on the road... It was dark, the air was cool and he was momentarily caught off guard... Everything looked the same like the world didn't understand what had just happened, people were laughing and walking along the streets happily as he watched the world go by out of the window. They got into their house and Dean moved slowly as he climbed the stairs, walking into his room and closing the door. Alone. 

He lay on his bed, staring up at the white painted ceiling, picturing what could have been if things had worked out, Emma growing up, Emma staying at his house on the weekends, Emma starting school... He'd held her tiny body, wrapped in a soft white blanket, he'd wrapped her cold hand around his finger, he'd kissed her forehead gently, he'd said goodbye as he gazed at her perfect little face for what felt like hours. It was all too much, he wanted to drink, he wanted to forget, he wanted to fall asleep and only wake up when the pain stopped. 

He picked up his phone, reading through the rest of Jo's messages, not even realizing that they'd already been opened. He deleted them, he didn't want to remember. He wanted to wipe this day from his mind. He looked at the text from Castiel. Opening it, he felt a grip on his heart at Castiel's need to remind him - they were just friends now. He'd been grateful to see him at the hospital, he'd even been grateful to Mick for coming. He'd felt like he was drowning, and then Castiel had wrapped his arms around him - holding him above the water for a while. Giving him strength. 

His tears raged again, he'd lost everything... He'd lost Cas, he'd lost Emma, he'd lost his purpose, direction... He'd lost himself. 

He pressed call and waited, he called the only person he could think of right now that could talk him down off the ledge he felt balanced on, the one who'd talked him down before - his friend, the man who'd helped Dean find himself again over the past six months... 

"Hey Brother" Came Benny's voice 

"Benny... " Dean's voice cracked as he spoke. They talked for over an hour, Dean spilling out his very soul and Benny listening and talking him down when he made comments like 'What's the fucking point anymore?' 

***

Over the next two weeks, Dean and Castiel texted daily. Castiel always seemed to find a reason to text him - but everyone knew he was really checking on how Dean was doing. Dean threw himself into manual work, trying to channel his anger into something constructive. He helped Bobby out at the garage, every day - he stayed past the time he was meant to clock out, saying he would stay the extra for free, to learn. 

He spent a lot of time with Sam, helping him with his school work, teaching him little bits about cars. He was functioning, but it was all automatic, robotic. He didn't sleep well, he had nightmares about Emma, he had horrible dreams about rushing to the hospital and seeing Zeke holding a happy healthy baby and no one could even see Dean. Like he was invisible, just looking in at the life that been stolen from him. 

Fifteen days after Emma had died, Dean comes home from work to find a letter waiting for him, it had been delivered with the post. He frowned at it as he ripped the envelope open... He pulled the letter out and read it... He swallowed as he read, the last of his strength leaving him, he folded the letter, put it in his pocket and grabbed his jacket... He needed a drink. 


	12. Save Him

 

"She wasn't even mine..." Sobbed Dean down the phone... 

Benny closes his eyes, feeling how much pain Dean was in an not being able to help was an awful feeling "I'm sorry, brother" He said

"It's so fucked up Benny, I was an idiot to cheat on Cas, and losing him was awful - but when I was working on the rig I started to try thinking about what I would be getting - this tiny little baby - who'd call me dad. It made it easier, thinking about her rather than Cas, something to look forward to, meeting her, holding her... Watching her... "He choked back a sob "Grow up" 

"I know, I know brother. I'm so, so sorry" 

"But now... I feel like a total shit, because - not only have a lost Cas, I've lost Emma... and even worse is I keep thinking... I've lost my reason to be ok with losing Cas... I've just ... lost everything. I feel so fucking angry, so... lost about everything... I wish I couldn't feel a damn thing" 

"It's a shit ton of crap that's been piled on you Dean, but you still have friends, me... you still have a life and things will eventually get better. I know it won't feel like that now... But don't do anything stupid, alright? As soon as I hit land, I'll come and see you. Just hang in there alright?" 

"Yeah" Muttered Dean 

"You're wasted right now, right? You got someone to pick you up? Don't drive Dean. Swear to me?" 

"I swear," He said quietly "Thanks Benny" 

"Call me anytime, alright? I'll come see you in a couple of weeks" 

***

"Dean? You sound hammered" Said Castiel giving a worried look to Mick "Hold on, hold on... I'll call you back" 

Mick looked at Castiel "What is it?"

"Dean's drunk and he has asked if we can pick him," Said Castiel frowning

"Ok then," Said Mick standing up and grabbing a jacket.

"Wait? Where are you going?" Questioned Castiel

"Well, we're going to go and get him? Right?" Said, Mick, as if it was a rhetorical question. 

"I don't know if that's a good idea," Said Castiel remembering the last time he'd seen Dean drunk.

"Castiel... He is your friend, he is drunk, we can't let him drive home, we should go and help him" 

Castiel looked up at Mick "Would that really be helping him though? What if see's it as me 'coming to the rescue' and gets the wrong idea... He's going through something really hard right now, I don't want to make it worse by giving him the false hope of me and him..."

Mick took a deep breath, thinking "I know what you're saying. And you're not wrong, but... If we don't go and pick him up and he drives - drunk, and something happened... Cas you'd never forgive yourself. It would tear you apart knowing he'd called and asked for help... We have to go, it's just a ride home right? Tell you what - let's go on my bike, then you can drive him home in his car, that way he has it for tomorrow and I'll be right there too, he'll see you leave again - with me. It won't be leading him on at all. Ok?" 

Castiel nodded "Yeah, you're right. Let me just call him back and find out where he is"

***

 

Dean thumbed over the letter in front of him, his swollen red eyes dry now, seemed he had used up all his tears... He feels drained, lost... He failed to see any light in his future, he had so badly wanted Emma to be his, he had wanted to watch her grow up - and now... She wouldn't even get the chance. He chokes on another swig of beer and wipes his mouth lazily on his sleeve. He can't understand it, a tiny little baby... How? How could this happen? Dean suddenly found himself thinking about God, not that he believed in God... but he found himself feeling as though he'd murder the prick if he or she was real. He suddenly looks up as he hears Castiel and Mick approach... 

Castiel shakes his head at him sadly, before sitting in the booth next to him "Dean, you were doing so well, not drinking..."

"I know" Gasped out Dean "But this came this morning and I just... I just broke" He held up the letter to Castiel and Mick - the results of the paternity test. 

Castiel took it and read, then he looked sadly at Dean "She wasn't yours" He said quietly 

"Stupid huh? To get this fucked up over something that I never had, that wasn't even mine..." 

"It's more complicated than that Dean," Said Mick "You're allowed to grieve, you're allowed to ask for help" 

Dean looked up at Mick gratefully "I so badly wanted to hate you" He laughed bitterly "I mean... I really tried hard to hate you. I just can't, you really are a better man than me" 

Castiel shifted in his seat, turning to look Dean in the eyes "You're not a bad man Dean, and you would have been an amazing father to Emma, this piece of paper doesn't matter, you were ready to look after her" 

At the mention of Emma's name, Dean broke down again, quiet little sobs that made his shoulders shake... Fresh tears running down his face. 

"Come on Dean, let us get you home," Said Mick giving him a pat on the shoulder. 

***

Dean was sat in the passenger seat, mumbling slurred apologies for being 'a fuck up' as Castiel drove the Impala back towards Dean's. Mick was a little ahead of them on the road, they were coming up to the bridge that crossed the narrow river, an old wooden bridge.  

Castiel and Dean watched in horror as a rabbit ran out into the road in front of Mick and he swived to avoid it, skidding and losing control of his bike. Castiel slammed on the breaks of the Impala, tires burning on the road as the car slowed, as Mick and his bike crashed through the wooden fencing of the bridge and plummeted into the icy water below... 

Before Castiel could even move, his hands seemingly frozen in a tight grip on the steering wheel, Dean was getting out of the car - running, pulling off his jacket and throwing it to the ground - that was when Castiel realized what he was doing and tried shouting out to him... But no words came out... He just sat there, in terrified shock, watching Dean jump off the bridge into the water after Mick... 


	13. It's Going Down

The whole world seemed to move in slow motion as Castiel got out of the car, fear creeping up his skin like a chill of the wind. He ran to the side of the bridge, there were bits of wood and broken pieces of plastic from Mick's bike scattered on the floor, looking over the edge of the bridge Castiel could see the bubbling water, but no Mick, no Dean, he raced across the road to the other side of the bridge. He finally spotted them, he pulled his phone from his pocket and called the emergency services, whilst Dean was wrestling in the water to hold Mick up, he was struggling under the weight and the cold, Mick's helmet covered his face and Castiel couldn't see any movement from his boyfriend. He rushed to the end of the bridge, as he gave their location to the operator and climbed down the steep slope to the edge of the water, shouting to Dean. An air ambulance and police were on the way.

Castiel waded into the river, grabbing under Mick's shoulders he heaved him from Dean - who looked exhausted, he was shaking. Castiel dragged Mick through the water and lifted his body on to river bank. He gently removed his helmet, disturbed by the sight of Mick's pale face. His eyes were closed... He was so still, to still. 

Castiel looked around, hoping to ask Dean for help... But Dean wasn't there. Frowning Castiel looked back into the water... His eyes widened and he stood up quickly, jumping back into the water and diving down, he saw Dean through the murky water... How long had he been under the surface?? 

Castiel grabbed him and rose through the water breaking the surface with a gasp. He could hear a helicopter nearby - he prayed that meant help would be here soon. He guided Deans unconscious form through the river and pushed him up on to the grass bank next to Mick... The sight of them lying there, side by side, neither moving turned his blood to ice... 

A split second decision had him kneeling down next to Dean, he couldn't see his chest rising and falling, so he put his ear above his mouth and listened - He wasn't breathing - Castiel opened Dean's mouth, trying to remember the first aid checklist for someone who wasn't breathing. He turned him on his side, watching some water come out of his mouth, he laid him back down. He could hear people on the bridge - help was coming.

"Hold on, hold on - they're here, help is here" He muttered before putting his mouth over Dean's and blowing air into his lungs. 

The paramedic's reached him - finally. There were four of them, one grabbed Castiel and helped him up and out of the way as the other two got to work on Dean... 

The other kneeled beside Mick... reaching a hand to feel his neck. The paramedic looked up, fingers stopped searching for a pulse as he'd felt something else, he shook his head sadly. 

Castiel screamed, a full, desperate, dropping back to his knees, heartbreaking scream "NO!! No, you're wrong, check again! CHECK HIM AGAIN" He wept "Please... please... you have to be wrong" 

"I'm sorry," Said the paramedic "His neck is broken, he's gone"

***

Dean's body shook slightly from side to side as the stretcher was loaded into the helicopter, the paramedic was still squeezing the respiratory oxygen bag over Dean's mouth. His eyes were closed, his clothes were soaked with cold water. They had wrapped a towel and a thermal foil blanket over him to try and warm him up. The air ambulance took off and Castiel watched from the ground, eyes bleeding out hot tears. He watched as Mick was placed in a body bag on top of a gurney, as the zip traveled up he began to disappear from view... Castiel saw the zip go over his face, that was it - Mick was gone. 

Castiel followed Dean to the hospital in an ambulance, where he was treated for shock. When he was coherent enough, he gave the doctors Dean and Mick's details and there family's were called.

Castiel watched, silent - numb. As John Winchester arrived at the hospital. He looked flustered and scared as he demanded to see his son, it was only at this point that Castiel realized... Mick's parents had arrived too, Mick's mother was a sobbing mess, Castiel wanted to go to her, hug her. But he was scared that they might blame him for what had happened to their son... It became apparent very quickly, however, they did not blame him...

"You Dean Winchester's father?" Said Mick's dad angrily, squaring up to John who looked around stunned

"Yes?" 

"Your kid have a nice drink, did he? He's stable - but my boy... My Micky. He's dead - because your loser son had to go out and get wasted!" He shoved John hard in the chest. 

John was shocked but held his ground "Dean had a drink, and called for a lift - it was no one's fault" 

"Mick wouldn't have been on that bridge if it weren't for your son!" Shouted Mick's father, shoving John again. Much harder this time, John stumbled backward a step, Mick's father shoved him again, and again.

John was trying to keep a cool head, this man had just lost his son... But when his back hit the wall he lashed out, punching Mick's father in the face. Castiel watched as Mick's father fell backward onto the floor. Castiel ran over. 

"Stop" He cried "Please, please stop" He offered Mick's father his hand, and helped him up. Castiel looked at Dean's father, who seemed stunned by his own actions. He looked at Castiel, expression unreadable. 

Hospital security arrived seconds later and escorted John away from the scene. Leading him to a waiting room to wait for Dean's doctor to come and see him. 

"He has a few superficial wounds, just minor cuts, and abrasions, however, he is being treated for severe hypothermia, due to the freezing temperatures of the river and the amount of alcohol in Dean's blood, which cause his vessels to expand, resulting in more rapid heat loss from the surface of his skin" Said the doctor, when John was finally allowed to go in and see Dean.

"Hypothermia occurs when your body loses heat faster than it can produce heat, causing a dangerously low body temperature. When your body temperature drops, your heart, nervous system and other organs can't work normally. Dean wasn't breathing, so he was helped to breathe through a respiratory bag, he was unconscious, passing out because his organs were not functioning properly. Dean has been placed in a medically induced coma, to give his organs chance to heal properly, while bringing his core temperature up safely, Dean has been given warm intravenous fluids. A warmed intravenous solution of salt water put into a vein through a dip to help warm the blood. We are also using a treatment called airway rewarming. The use of a humidified oxygen nasal tube can warm the airways and help raise the temperature of the body"

John let the doctor's words wash over him as he stared down at his boy. Dean was pale, had a breathing tube and drips... It was all bleeping machines and wires and it made John feel sick to see Dean like this. The doctor finally left and John melted into the chair next to Dean's bed, gripping his son's hand tightly

"Don't you dare give up boy!" He said gruffly "Don't you dare. We need you. Me and your brother, we need you. Ya hear me?" He cried as he looked at Dean's face... 


	14. Death And Resurrection

Castiel had gone home, he'd wanted to see Dean, but when Mick's parent's had told him they would drive him home, he hadn't argued. It had been the most uncomfortable drive of his life, not just because he was in Mick's dad's car with his parents and no Mick, but because he kept wanting to say sorry, he kept wanting them to know how much he loved Mick, but shame and sadness kept him quiet until it was time for him to get out, at which point, he turned to Mick's mother...

"I'm so so sorry" He was crying again, Mick's mother was crying, Mick's father was crying... They all sat in the car outside of Castiel's house, crying. "I don't know what else to say... I'm just so sorry" 

Mick's mother reached a hand back to Castiel and squeezed his "It was an accident Castiel, we would never blame you. We know how much you meant to Mick. He loved you"

At her words, Castiel cried even harder. When it all became too much he thanked them for driving him home and got out of the car... Walking mindlessly up to his house. He walked through the door and turned to watch Mick's parents drive away...

***

It's been three days since Dean dove into the river trying to save Mick, it was generally accepted that Mick broke his neck when his head hit the wooden fence. His body had been released to his parents so they could arrange a funeral. 

John and Sam had been back and to from the hospital each day, Bobby came to visit Dean too. John had called his son's friends, telling them Dean was in the hospital, but stable.

"Dean was given a controlled dose of an anesthetic, propofol, to cause a temporary coma or deep state of unconsciousness. The half-life of elimination of propofol has been estimated to be between two and twenty-four hours. Dean received the last dose of propofol last night" Said the doctor looking at Dean's charts as he spoke to John. 

"So, he should be waking up, any time?" Asked John hopefully

The doctor nodded and smiled "Yes, it's possible that the effects have worn off already and he is just sleeping" 

***

On the fourth day after the accident, Castiel got up, showered and put on some clean clothes. He ate half a piece of toast before leaving to go to the hospital and see Dean, having finally worked up the courage to go. He pulled up in the car park. He'd borrowed his dad's car, not wanting to ride his bike. He sat in the car for almost ten minutes, staring at the entrance doors to the hospital, he watched several people come and go, a woman happily pushing a pram out of the doors, a man on crutches standing outside the doors smoking, a well-built man with some kind of flat cap walking in... He sighed, nerves be damned he had to go and see how Dean was doing...

He got out of his car, paid for his parking and walked into the hospital.

"I'm here to see Dean Winchester?" Asked the man Castiel had seen enter the hospital

"Your name?" Asked the receptionist 

"Benny Lafitte," Said the man 

"Are you a relative or spouse?" 

Castiel backed back out of the doors quickly before the man answered if this Benny was Dean's new boyfriend... He did not want to be there. It had never even occurred to him that Dean may have met someone, that he could have a new boyfriend...

 

***

Benny walked through the hospital and entered the room where Dean was lay on the bed, unconscious. John and Sam looked up as he entered.

"My names Benny," He said looking at John "I got a call..." 

"That was me, John. Dean's father" Said John standing up and shaking Benny's hand "Thank you for coming, we were told he should be waking up soon, I'm sure Dean will be glad you came"

Sam gave up his seat so Benny could sit down and went to get another from the ward. Benny turned to look at Dean "So... He jumped into a river?" 

John sighed "He was trying to help another boy, unfortunately, Mick didn't make it" 

"Mick? I know that name..." Said Benny thinking over everything that Dean had told him. 

"Mick was Castiel's new partner," Said John sadly. 

Behind them on the bed Dean's eyes fluttered, he could make out voice's. 

"Castiel, that was Dean's ex, is he... Was he alright?" 

"Yes, he was alright. I mean... He wasn't hurt. He dragged Dean out of the river himself" Said John. 

"Wow, has he been in at all?" 

"No, I've not seen him since right after it happened, had a run in with Mick's parents - they took him home" 

"Oh," Said Benny, surprised that Castiel hadn't been back to visit Dean, he lowered his voice "It was an accident though right?" 

"Yes, it was an accident. No matter what anyone else says" 

Dean lay in bed, awake but his eyes still closed... It took him a long time to process what he'd overheard, Mick was dead... and Castiel thought it was his fault? 


	15. Tried So Hard

Dean opened his eyes and blinked at the brightness of the hospital lighting, he looked at his father, his brother, his friend "Hey" He croaked.

"Dean" Sam darted forwards to hug his brother "You're awake?" After he'd hugged Dean and punched him lightly in the shoulder "Jerk, you scared the..." 

"The what?" Said John looking at Sam amused 

"The hell out of me?" Sam covered his almost swear word up neatly.

"Mmhm," Said John eyebrow raised at Sam a moment longer before he turned to Dean "Glad to see you up son, how are you feeling?" 

Dean made a face "Like crap"

"Hey, how come he gets to swear?" Said Sam indignantly 

"I'm in hospital," Said Dean "I get a pass" 

"Technically I'm in the hospital too," Said Sam, John was rolling his eyes at his sons, he couldn't be cross right now - Dean was awake. 

Dean looked beyond his family and saw Benny sat watching him "Hey Benny"

Benny smiled at Dean "Hey brother" 

***

Benny was invited to stay at the Winchester's house rather than getting a motel for the night. Dean was told that he would be monitored overnight and be able to go home the following day if there were no changes. Dean was released from the hospital the next day and went home wearing a black hoody and jeans, his father had brought for him. His other clothes had been cut off him at the hospital so the doctors could check for other injuries and get the cold wet clothes off him quickly. He was not going to miss hospital gowns. 

When he got home, he and Benny went up to his room, Dean sat down on the bed with a huff, Benny casting him a questioning look "I don't wanna talk about it" He said knowing Benny was going to ask about the accident "Not yet anyway"

"That's fine. You don't ever have to talk to anyone about it if you don't want too. But I think it would be better if you did" 

Dean nodded, thoughtful "Benny, can I ask you a favor?" 

"Course brother, whaddya need?" 

"A place to crash" Said Dean "I can't stay here man"

"Dean Winchester, are you asking to move in with me?" Laughed Benny

"Would that be alright? Just till I can get back on the rig?" Said Dean looking up hopefully at his friend. 

"The rig?" Asked Benny surprised "I thought you said six months and you were done?"

Dean shrugged "That was before - when I had reasons to stay here" 

"What about your family?" 

"I'll still see them, I just don't want to be here right now, what's with the twenty questions?"

"Wanted to make sure you really wanted this... You're not convincing me" 

"Emma wasn't mine and she's gone. Cas thinks I am to blame for Mick's death..."

"Well if that's what he thinks, he's wrong," Said Benny firmly

"Is he?" Asked Dean "Seems to me that if I had stayed home that night Mick would still be alive" 

Benny shook his head "It ain't your fault Dean. You almost died trying to save him. But listen, if you wanna get away for a while that's fine. Course you can stay at mine, it's a shit hole though - just so you know" 

"I know I don't care as long as it's not in this town" Said Dean, he was done. He just wanted out. Away from the house, he'd imagined raising his child, away from the river where Mick had died, away from the place where Castiel had dumped him, away from this town that held so much pain and sadness for him. 

***

Castiel is walking to the shop, he hasn't ridden his bike since before the accident, he still isn't ready - he doesn't know if he ever will be. He stops in the middle of the street, trying to remember what it was he even came out for, he finds himself getting distracted and forgetting things a lot since the accident, all he can think about is Mick's crash - and his face when he took his helmet off, and how Dean hadn't been breathing... It was these thoughts that kept him awake at night, the darkened rings under his eyes telling the story of how little he'd been sleeping. Oh yeah... That's right, he was going for something to help him sleep. 

Castiel see's Sam across the street. He crosses the road and walks up to him "Hey Sam, how is Dean doing? I heard he was home now?"

"He was" Said Sam "But he went to go stay with Benny for a while"

"Benny?" 

"Yeah, Dean met him on the oil rig and he came to see Dean when he was in the hospital" Sam stared at Castiel "Why didn't you?" 

Castiel blushed "I wanted to, I just... after what happened with Mick's dad and your dad, I wasn't sure how welcome I'd be... Felt like, I'd chosen a side when I let Mick's parents take me home, but it really wasn't meant to be like that" 

Sam shrugged "It looked more that way when you didn't come back or call the whole time he was in there," Sam said cooly before he turned and walked away, without waiting for Castiel to respond. 

Castiel watched him walk a few steps away before calling him "When's he coming back?" 

Sam turned, annoyance clouding his face now "He's not. He's going back to the rig with Benny" 

"Oh." Said Castiel sadly, Sam narrowed his eyes at him, before turning away again. Dean was leaving, now? Castiel slumped down on a garden wall thinking... He should have visited Dean in hospital. Now he was gone... With this Benny guy. Castiel pulled out his phone and tried to call Dean... 

'Sorry but the number you are calling is no longer in service' - of course not, Dean had his phone in his pocket when he'd jumped into the river, it would be broken now. So Castiel had no way of getting in touch with Dean, and judging by Sam's reaction to him, going to Dean's house and asking his father for Dean's new number would not be a good idea... So that was it, Dean was gone... And Castiel had not only lost Mick but now he'd lost Dean too...

He turned around and walked home, forgetting he was meant to be walking to the shop. 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I tried to look up how long after coming out of a medically induced coma, a patient would have to be monitored for before they could go home. I couldn't find anything - so I am winging it for the sake of the story... Forgive me if this is inaccurate. x


	16. Keep Smiling Through

One Year Later 

Dean got off the bus, looking around at the dirty grey little town he used to call home. The memory's that had haunted his dreams had taken place on these streets. He did not want to be here, but he'd promised his father and brother he would be home for Christmas. So here he was, walking through the darkened streets towards his dad's house. His breath misty before his face, his fingertips pink and cold as they stuck out of is fingerless gloves. 

As he walked he passed The Roadhouse, there was a Christmas party going on in the side, but it was a man stood outside smoking that caught his attention, for a moment he just stood there staring... The familiar man took a drag from his cigarette and blew the smoke away from him, it seemed to glow in the light of the streetlamp. The man turned to put out his cigarette and Dean caught a glimpse of his face. 

"Cas?" He said cautiously 

The man turned at the sound of Dean's voice "Dean..."

Dean walked towards him "Since when do you smoke?" Asked Dean

At the same time, Castiel said: "What are you doing here?"

"I'm back to see my dad and brother, for Christmas" Said Dean 

Castiel nodded "Well, I hope you have a nice Christmas Dean" Castiel made to turn away, but Dean stopped him gently with a hand on his arm.

"Wait, that's it?" Dean looked at him desperately 

"What do you mean?" Asked Castiel

"I haven't seen you, in a year" 

"I know that Dean, you left" Said Castiel looking ... hurt?

"I had to, I needed to get away from everything" 

"You needed to get away from me?" Asked Castiel

"No, from everything... Are you... Are you angry with me?"

"What do you think Dean? You left - when I needed you most. And you didn't even say bye" 

"I didn't think you'd care? You think it was my fault Mick died" 

"I what? Who told you that? I was upset" Castiel sighed "But I never blamed you, Dean. Not for that, it wasn't your fault. I really needed you and you left" Said Castiel sadly "You left me alone" 

"I'm sorry Cas. I didn't think you'd want me around"

"We were friends or I thought at least trying to be?"

"You didn't come and see me at the hospital, they said you'd left with Mick's parents... I just thought..." 

"I did come to see you at the hospital Dean, but I saw your boyfriend and it felt - weird to go in and sit with him while you were - still asleep" 

"My boyfriend?" Asked Dean doubtfully "Cas... I haven't been with anyone since you" 

"But... you went to live with him," Said Castiel confused

"You mean Benny?" Asked Dean "He is just a friend I made on the rig, he's not my boyfriend - he's straight for one thing"

"Oh," Said Castiel feeling stupid "So, you thought I blamed you, and I thought... Oh"

Dean looked at Castiel face set to apologize "Wow. I'm such a shit friend, I'm so sorry Cas"

"I'm sorry to Dean" Said Castiel

"I have to go, my dad will be wondering where I am... But, I could text you sometime, if you wanted?" Asked Dean hopefully 

"Sure," Said Castiel numbly

"I had to get a new phone... After... Can I have your number?" 

Castiel gave Dean his number and Dean hugged him lightly, before leaving. Head still swimming with how stupid he'd been. Cas didn't blame him for the accident... and Dean had left him alone - to deal with his loss. 

***

Dean texts Castiel as soon as he got home, so Cas would have his number. 

_I'm sorry I left Cas, I honestly didn't think you'd want me around. D_

**Dean, I would never have blamed you for what happened, you tried to save Mick - I will never forget what you did. Cas**

_I wish I could go back and change it, I'd change so many things if I had the chance. D_

**I know Dean, me too. I never said sorry to you either, for how I treated you when we broke up. I was hurting - but there is no excuse. I am sorry. I guess I only have myself to blame for you thinking I'd cut you out again...**

Dean and Castiel text back and forth all night, catching up on the past year of their lives, agreeing to stay in touch... Dean fell asleep that night, feeling much lighter than he had for a long time, Cas was back in his life, he didn't blame him - he missed him. He couldn't have asked for a better Christmas present than that...


	17. I Can't Kiss You At Midnight

New Years Eve.

Christmas had passed and Dean had eaten three times his own weight in turkey and mince pies. He and Castiel had text every day, and Castiel had called Dean a couple of times in the evenings and they had lay awake talking on the phone until the small hours of the morning. Dean was getting ready to go to the party at The Roadhouse, he had been asked by Castiel if he was going. 

Castiel had his reasons for wanting Dean to go to the party, not that he'd ever confessed them to anyone, but there was this moment - by the river, he'd just dragged Mick out of the water and he took his helmet off... He knew... He knew but he didn't want to believe it. When he'd turned back to see Dean had gone under the water, he hadn't hesitated, he'd dove in and dragged him out and he wasn't breathing, Mick and Dean had both been lay there, side by side - and they both looked dead...

Castiel took a shuddering breath, as he remembered. He hadn't wanted to believe that Mick was gone... But it was Dean that he helped. And he'd had this horrible pit of guilt building up inside him for the last year because he was with Mick, and he loved him, he really, really loved him - but... he'd chosen Dean.

He tries to tell himself that maybe on some subconscious level he just knew there was only one right choice, to save the man that could be saved. But he wasn't sure that was the truth... Castiel had know Dean his whole life, way longer than he'd known Mick, he'd always, as far back as he could remember harbored feelings for Dean. And no matter how Dean had hurt him, how they had hurt each other, and no matter how perfect Mick had been, and how strong Cas' feelings for him had been, it had been the thought of losing Dean, that had scared him most as he'd watched Dean jump off that bridge... 

And then... Mick had died, and Dean had left... And he'd lost them both.

So tonight, under the guise of 'tradition', Castiel wanted to kiss Dean at midnight, to see if the connection they had shared was still there...

***

"I can't kiss you at midnight Cas," Said Dean looking into Castiel's frowning face. The people around them seemed to quieten, seemed to move away, blurring into the background of the world... Until there was nothing left, but the look of hurt and disappointment on Castiel's face.

"Why not Dean? It's tradition and we're friends" 

Dean shook his head and walked away, turning back and indicating for Castiel to follow him. They walked out the front door of the pub, away from the New Year's party, down the road to the bus stop. 

"What's going on Dean?" Asked Castiel "We are friends, aren't we?"

Dean hesitated as he looked up into Castiel's impossibly blue eyes "I know I said that... But the truth is - I'm always going to want more, I know I shouldn't still have feelings for you, not after everything that's happened, I should have been able to move on. You wanted to just be friends and I wanted to respect that but I never stopped loving you Cas, I just missed you so much, realizing what I had had when it was too late. I also realized that I wasn't the best thing for you, I wasn't. I was childish and impulsive and I ruined what we had. I know that, but I am not that kid anymore. We have both been through so much, I know I've grown up a lot over the past two years... I also know I would spend the rest of my life with you if you'd only have me, I'd drop everything in a heartbeat for another chance with you. But it'd be asking you to trust me again, which wouldn't be easy - especially now, I know. And honestly, I thought I'd get over you, I tried. I swear I did, I thought with time... These feelings would fade, I'd meet someone new, life would go on. But that didn't happen, cause there is no getting over it, not when the one you lose - is, the one. So no, I can't kiss you at midnight, because it would mean something completely different to me than it would to you... And I'm done with self-torture"

Castiel sighed softly, and then... The most wonderful thing happened, he smiled. Eyes meeting Dean's, he leaned forward, taking Dean's hand in his own "I don't want to be friends anymore either Dean. I don't want to censor my happiness just because of what other people might think. I've missed you too, since we broke up, through all of it. But I was happy with Mick, I loved him, I didn't expect too, not in the beginning. After he died, it was like this darkness just consumed me, I didn't want to date anyone, felt like I would never want that again. But then I think I realized... I still missed you, this past week, seeing you again and talking to you reminded me how much I missed you. I wanted to see you after the accident, but you left. And I felt guilty, for wanting to see you... like I would be betraying Mick's memory or something ridiculous like that, so I tried to bury those feelings, tried to get over it too... I didn't try to find you or try to get in touch with you, I tried to let you go... But I don't want to anymore, I loved Mick, deeply. But, I also love you, I've always loved you, even when we broke up, I know I was cruel, but - that was how insane without you I am, and if people think that it's crazy if we were to try again, well then I guess I'm crazy, because I do want us, want you"

"You do?" Asked Dean not daring to believe he'd heard Castiel right.

"Yes"

Dean leaned forward into Castiel's outstretched arm and allowed himself to be held. It had been a long time since he had been touched with such care. His heart seemed to vibrate with warmth in his chest as he breathed in that once familiar scent, that was Castiel.

"I'm sorry I hurt you Cas," Said Dean looking into Castiel's face

"I'm sorry I hurt you," Said Castiel smiling weakly 

Somewhere off in the distance, fireworks blazed up into the sky, sprinkling colorful trails of light on a black canvas. It was midnight. 

Dean and Castiel were stood facing each other, eyes gazing into one an others. 

"Happy new year Dean" Said Castiel softly 

Dean leaned in, hand rising to Castiel's face, his hand warm against Cas' cold skin, he leaned until his lips were barely touching Castiel's and whispered back "Happy new year Cas" Before his eyes fluttered closed and his lips pressed against Castiel's... 

 

 

The End

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A big thank you to all for reading and commenting and supporting me as I wrote this story - I believe I may now be engaged to one reader... Hahaha.. 
> 
> So yeah. I hope you liked the journey x x x


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